Seated at a buzzing coffee shop in Linden’s edging-its-way-towards-trendy, main street, I’m struck by the number of familiar discussions emanating from neighbouring tables. Producers. Directors. Creatives. Scriptwriters. A particularly animated group brainstorming the plot for a telenovela: the flawed protagonists, complex villains; challenges; secrets; intrigue, twists, and cliffhangers … There is a heated debate over the believability of the storylines.
I smile and sip my cappuccino (imagining it to be a glass of bubbly). And, channeling Patsy, I exclaim internally, “Oh Darlings! The most bizarre stories are true!” In over 25 years of directing and producing current affairs programming and documentaries, I’ve said it countless times: “You can’t script this Sh*t!”
I’m reminded of the infamous “Mama Jackie”. The so-called “Angel of Soweto” who orchestrated and executed an audacious, international scam. It included a cast of thousands of sobbing, devasted children – all of them supposedly victims of political violence, most of them purported to be orphans. Jackie was their self-proclaimed saviour, turning them from lives of crime to active citizenship. Through her network of politically connected players, Jackie Marohanye elevated herself to iconic status, ingratiating herself with the Presidents - including Thabo Mbeki and Bill Clinton – impressing captains of industry, rubbing shoulders with the who’s who of local and international media. Raking in millions in the process. Jackie even wooed Oprah Winfrey who called her “an angel on earth” before giving her a million dollars. When two investigative journalists started unraveling the yarn she had so successfully spun for so many years, her elaborate hoax was exposed on a global stage. It was truly stranger than fiction.
As we look at recent headline-grabbing stories…
The death of a Monarch and a Royal family divided by sibling rivalry, adultery, tragedy, and intrigue. A dictator hell-bent on domination invading a nation of innocents threatening to hit the ‘red button’ while the heroic protagonist unites a small nation to take on Goliath. The Hollywood icon who fell from grace at the hands of a beautiful vixen, only to resurrect himself through the biggest and most salacious defamation trial in modern history… Profane messages written in blood on mansion walls, drug-fuelled rages involving body cavity searches for cocaine; a famous finger severed by a well-aimed vodka bottle; mega-glasses of wine for breakfast; rape with a broken bottle and let’s not forget the poop on an upmarket penthouse marital bed. The ultimate “War of the Roses”.
You can’t script this Sh*t!
I’ve often wondered whether we are all just part of some great big, inter-planetary, reality show – our roles scripted and realities manipulated by conniving producers on planet Zion.
Several years ago, I imagined a conversation at the weekly production meeting at Zion studios, sometime in 2015 … The Executive Producer is furious. Ratings for the hit show “Earth” are down. Way down. The planet is doing too well and storylines are falling flat. Scientists and politicians are finally rallying around the climate change challenge, signing the Paris Accord and perfectly ruining a great, climatic narrative. President Obama has somehow managed to effect profound social, demographic, and technological changes, pull the economy out of a Great Recession and make strides towards gun reforms and equality for minority groups. Negotiations on Iran’s nuclear program produce a deal – who would’ve thought?! The potentially catastrophic narratives – Syria, Afghanistan, conflict in the Middle East – are just not doing it for Zion viewers.
Content producers are spinning. The Executive Producer is spitting. Channel bosses are calling for heads to roll.
Then, from the back of the room, a singled-eyed, ne’er-do-well junior producer plucks up her courage and, overcoming a significant stutter, says … “You know that guy who fakes being a billionaire. The loudmouth with the toupee. The orange guy who married the supermodel. You know – that guy. What if he ran for President of the United States? What if he announced that he was running from an escalator in a shopping mall (supermodel on his arm)? You know, like the scene from The Simpsons”
Cue: Lights. Camera. Action!